Tag Archives: wedding

The “No Boxed Gifts” Explanation

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Sooo… this is kind of awkward.  And I’m sure my non-Pakistani friends were like what does “No Boxed Gifts” mean when they opened up the card (and by card I mean in the insert, because I didn’t want to write in ON THE CARD!).. it’s so normal to us as Pakistanis/Indians because it’s what’s expected at our weddings.  We say “no boxed gifts” because it’s the norm in our cultures to walk in with an envelope because we see it as a way to set the couple up for their financial future, to help towards say the down payment towards their home, or just to help them getting started.  They also tend to give gold jewelry if they are close members of the family, but wedding gifts in our culture aren’t seen as items for the home, but things to get the home started.  It’s extremely common at our weddings to do this.

It’s a wedding, people don’t come empty-handed but then again it’s so awkward bringing it up.  Etiquette says don’t mention the place you are registered on the card (have the bridal party spread the word), so etiquette masters would probably say do not even say “no boxed gifts” on the card because it’s just rude.  It’s a Pakistani/Indian cultural thing, they tend to give cash at weddings.

I myself thought it may be conceived as tacky to request “no boxed gifts” but it’s normal in Pakistani culture.  Also, South Asians (in general) cannot be trusted with a gift registry.  If a couple is registered at, say, Macy’s, and are registered for a Ninja blender the Desi aunty or uncle might go and get the  Cuisinart blender because it’s on sale and it’s more in their budget, and reason “well they need a blender” and completely disregard the fact that Ninja blender might just match the couple’s taste & color scheme better.

We tend to invite 400 people and that would just result in an outrageous amount of gifts…. most of which you don’t need.  How many different knives sets can you accumulate?  Also, my family has been stockpiling things for my wedding for years —  rug, check; flatware, check; dishes, check; pots & pans, check.. you get the idea.  I also already have the Kitchenaid stand mixer I need because I lived on my own for a while.   It just made more sense for the no-boxed gifts request.

I still think it’s awkward to ask for it,  it’s awkward that I’m writing about it, but I feel I have to defend it and explain it to my non-Desi friends.  It’s not because we want money or because we are greedy, it’s because it’s typical in my culture, and we knew if we did register to appease our friends, we would get way too many gifts.

I think there’s a proper way to do this and to write this on your invitations.  I’ve seen a couple explain it as “we intend on moving to the East coast so we kindly request no boxed gifts” and some others just plain ask “we kindly request no boxed gifts” yet others have rudely said “NO boxed gifts” without even a please.  So, it’s all in how you word it… I personally don’t really see how it’s more different than putting the Macy’s registry insert (that Macy’s provides!!) in one’s invitation ensemble, though.

and… I think in a day and age were most couples live together before getting married, I wonder HOW you even register for a wedding when you more than likely have all the stuff you need.  I wouldn’t register for fine china (because I don’t want it) and we only added stemware to the registry for the Macedonian event because my sister-in-law encouraged it… but do I want fancy crystal glasses, not really.  (so yes, we have a registry for our Macedonian event because Macedonian people aren’t used to the “no boxed gifts”).

Royal Albert Collection at Macys

So this is just a little explanation of the Pakistani culture of “no boxed gifts” for those who don’t know what this means and might accuse me of being tacky, because I’m not!!!

ALSO as a cute funny note, my dad invited my neighbor (a Asian couple in their 70s) and they sent over a gift… they sent us a beautiful jug that was not in a box but in a gift bag, because that was their interpretation of the request. SO CUTE!!  This jug is adorable and we absolutely love it!

(UPDATE 6/4/2013: bringing a “boxed gift” to the wedding wouldn’t come off as rude of the guest if you wished to do so; cash/gift cards are just preferred and you should do what works for your situation.  I loved the floral vase we got from my neighbor!  I have to admit it’s not been used yet, but neither has our cash – we are saving that to put towards down payment on our home – which in this horrid real estate market is a huge blessing to have been gifted from our wedding guests two years ago).

How to tackle Wedding Invitations

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I think sending out wedding invitations is probably the most tedious of all wedding-related tasks.  I wish it was one of the things I did not have to do myself.  If I could have hired somebody to take care of it for me, I would.  Hand-addressing 150+ invitations and making sure they are all mailed out is just something I am glad I will never have to do again… until my own kids get married.

(cute vintage postage below from 100layercake)

I recommend compiling addresses FAR in advance from all your friends & families.  This saves all the last minute rushes to find addresses.  Keep these in an excel spreadsheet so you can refer back to them come time for Thank You cards to be sent out.

If you are hand-writing your envelopes (as proper etiquette dictates you should!), be sure to order extra envelopes!  Most companies send you extras as a precaution, but you can never be too sure.  (I myself have made mistakes on a few!)

I always hear that you need to take a finished wedding invitation (cards, reception cards, RSVP cards, inserts and all) to the post office to be weighed for postage.  I did this… and of course, I heard 4 different costs at each of the post offices I went to.  I heard from one person at the Post Office that it would be 61 cents, another said $1.05, another said 88 cents, and another told me 61 cents.  I sent a test one out and it was delivered to the recipient for 61 cents, so I went to the post office with a stack of envelopes at 61 cents and the lady FORCED me to purchase 44 cent stamps to add on to my stack of 50 envelopes.  Not fun!  Some cards were mailed with the $1.05 postage, others were mailed with the 61 cent postage.  This sent me into a panic!  What if people don’t receive their invitations?   Surprisingly, MANY invitations were received by the recipient with the 61 cent postage and just 3 were returned for more postage.

Keep track of RSVPs as they come in!  Put a date that is enough time before the wedding so you can track down lost RSVPs.  My wedding is June 5, so guests are urged to RSVP by April 20.  That gives me lots of time to track down lost RSVPs so I can create my Seating Chart.  So far I have 89 positive attendees–yay!

How to handle people asking you inappopriate questions about your wedding day…

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I think what shocks me the most about people asking about your wedding day is that they have the gall to ask the cost of your event…

Thankfully, none of my friends are tacky enough to ask me questions associated with the cost of my events, I know that they have the class not to.  I have fellow cost-conscious brides come to me for advice on where to save and vendor suggestions for their budget, but in terms of actual dollar amounts, it’s a very tacky thing to ask how much one is spending.

It’s a few people that just shock me with their attitude and their prying details.  I have a very hard time trying to dodge these questions without seeming rude.  There’s one guy in particular, who happens to be getting married next year, who asks me a million and one questions about my wedding planning and the price tag for each of my wedding details.  It’s so annoying! I know he doesn’t do it because he’s interested in hearing updates, he does it to try and “compete” with me.  I’m venting, I know. But how do you avoid questions like this?

-What did your invitations end up costing you? (real question)
My reply: Oh, I’m not sure, my parents took care of that part… I really love my invitations though.

-How much are you paying per head at the hotel? (real question)
My reply: It’s a good rate but I was able to work with the lady on fees… I’m not really allowed to say.
When all else fails…just say you’re not allowed to disclose the cost and provide them with the contact information for the hotel.  It’s no one’s business what your family is paying per head.

-Weddings are SO expensive, what’s your family’s budget?? (can you believe people have asked me this!!)
My Reply: yes… they are.  we are trying to keep things simple and are spending money in areas where it truly matters.
This surprises me beyond belief.  The number of people who have asked me this is outrageous.  Yes, Pakistani weddings have a ton of guests, but, it’s not your business what we spend or don’t spend.  A lady at my office persistently asked me the price.

-How much are centerpieces? (seriously?! ask a florist!)
My reply: I’ve seen quotes for varying amounts… so I can’t really say…depends on what you want really!
First, anyone knows that a centerpiece can cost $200 (peonies, roses, etc!) or $30 for something small with lots of green.  This is the best answer to provide to prying people!

-But still, how much are they??  Like what’s a range?
My reply: I suggest you go talk to a few florist and find out what it can be.  You can spend $5k and you can spend $12k, it depends on what you want and what you need.

-How much are your bridesmaids dress? (after seeing the order forms & checks at my desk…)
My Reply: I don’t want the girls to spend too much money, so they are reasonable and really pretty.

-How much is your makeup artist charging you?
Excuse me?  I just didn’t respond to this question.  He’s a guy, why does he care what my makeup person charges!

A note to all brides & grooms, a wedding is not a competition. It’s an expression of the love you and your fiance have for one another.  The price you spend has nothing to do with how great your wedding will be.  I’ve seen gorgeous weddings that were done on a small budget, and tacky events that were done with million-dollar budgets.  It’s all dependent on your taste and how well you work with what you’ve got.